Parents: Can you #daretochill?

**This column appeared in the Argus Leader on Nov. 9, 2016.

If you have attended any sporting events this fall, you’ve undoubtedly seen parents displaying many qualities you hope young athletes would never emulate. We’ve all seen parents calling opposing teams “cheaters” when penalties are called on them, parents yelling at a coach about play calling, and athletes who heard parents yelling at officials about “missed” calls who then turn around and yell at officials about the same thing.

The environment for school and youth sports can be extremely unpleasant for everyone involved if you have these type of parents in your crowd. How do you get them to consider their behavior? The Positive Coaching Alliance started a new initiative this fall called #daretochill, and it emphasizes some critical points for parents.

As playoffs are in full swing and seasons wind down with high-stakes games, there is a sense of heightened pressure in the crowd right now. Those parents who were grumbling earlier in the season are now emboldened to shout their negative comments at players, coaches, officials and even other parents. The entire environment is stressful for young athletes, but it can become really unbearable as parents who really want their child to experience the thrill of winning big games go about “encouraging” their kids in all the wrong ways. The #daretochill initiative encourages parents to simply chill out and remember the reasons why they are there in the first place. 

Reminding parents to #daretochill seems simple enough, but there are multiple issues at play, so if you are one of those parents yelling from the stands, take a few moments to think things through. We can all display some of these undesirable qualities if we aren’t careful.

My best advice to parents is to check your expectations. All parents want what is best for their kids, but sometimes we lose sight of how we are actually affecting those around us. Our job as parents is to be our child’s biggest fan. There is enough pressure around and within them, they don’t need the additional pressure of extreme parental expectations. Especially at games and practices, your job is to encourage and support, never to coach or criticize. If you can’t step into the supportive role and instead insist on hounding your child, the coach, or officials, you will end up making the entire experience miserable for everyone involved. The end result of a zero fun experience is that 70 percent of kids drop out of sports completely by the age of 13. Don’t lead your child down that path. Check your expectations and embrace your role as your child’s greatest fan.

My other caution is to beware the power of the group. Sometimes parents who would never dream of challenging the official or chastising a child will get caught up in the momentum of some unfortunate choices by other parents. The group mentality becomes a negative force to be reckoned with, and it can completely destroy an event that was designed to instill confidence and enjoyment for athletes. We all can take a moment and #daretochill as part of that group, and parents who lead the charge for cooler heads to prevail will ultimately be much appreciated, especially by the athletes.

As you are attending those playoff games and cheering on your athletes, take a few minutes and remember what a great opportunity exists for athletes to be part of a team and a sport. We all want the best experience for our child, and we have a real opportunity to contribute to the way our kids’ feel about themselves and their experience. If we want them to love it, have fun and do their best, then it won’t hurt us to #daretochill and let them play.

Remember that at the end of the season, peaceful parents, content kids and your love for a sport and a team are some pretty great things to take home.

Leadership At Every Level

**This column appeared in the Argus Leader on September 20, 2016.

If there is one quality that I believe is critical to the success of a sports team, it is leadership. When we think of leaders, we tend to think of a coach who builds a solid program or a player who steps up in high pressure situations. In my experience, I believe that leadership is something everyone involved in a sports organization can and must demonstrate in order to achieve success. Athletes, coaches, parents, and organizations can contribute their efforts to be leaders in some meaningful way. With the 2016 season underway, these are some ideas for everyone to keep in mind to help their team achieve success.

As an athlete, what can you do to be a leader on and off the field? Start with your attitude. Think about the attitude you bring to practice and games. The way you interact with your teammates and coach lets them know you are willing to do whatever is needed to help the team. When there are struggles and you are still working hard and trying to keep your team focused, you will be leading your teammates by example. Every athlete has the potential to be a leader if he/she believes in the team and works to show it.

Athletes also show leadership through their commitment to team goals. Everyone wants to improve and win games, but not everyone commits to working hard outside of practice and setting aside individual goals to make the team better. Your commitment shows through the effort you bring during practice, games, and the off season. Remember that effort can be shown through training and playing hard, but it also shows through when you are supporting your teammates on and off the field. Sometimes that effort is extremely difficult, especially when you need to support a competitor. You will be demonstrating great leadership if you can put in the effort, especially when it’s difficult, and stay strong in your commitment to making your team better.

Coaches have a tremendous opportunity to show leadership, not just in the win/loss record for their team, but with the relationships they build with their team and players. Kids look to their coaches for their guidance in words and actions, so it is important to keep in mind the effect of both those things on young athletes who have tremendous reliance on their coach. Your words and attitude as a coach will shape your players’ love of the game, love of practice, and desire to continue in the sport. Remember that if you model those values for your team, you create instant respect and players will listen and buy into your team’s philosophy. Coaches should always bear in mind the power they have over young athletes.

In addition to learning the game, young athletes need someone that will give constant support. Parents are the leaders that athletes look to for that positive support. I cannot stress enough that parents need to know their role with their young athletes and be a child’s biggest fan. Parents must be careful to set a positive example with other parents and especially in supporting their child’s coach. Don’t fall into the negativity trap of criticism about playing time, coaching mistakes, or issues with the organization. Your kids look to you to know that you love and support them regardless of the bigger issues, so don’t attempt to coach them during games and practices, and especially not right after a game. Let your coach do the coaching and be sure that your child knows you support him/her no matter what happens. Your leadership in helping them understand sportsmanship is vital to their love of the game.

Youth sports organizations also have the opportunity to set the leadership tone for everyone involved. An organization can make it clear that emphasis is not upon winning or losing, and it can be a leader for positive change. Sports organizations need to stay ahead of safety trends and ensure that they are promoting best practices for sport, safety, and organizational management. An organization that is demonstrating good leadership will show a willingness to listen to its members, open-mindedness to issues that arise, and a desire to operate and make necessary changes for the betterment of the group. Communication is key to success with an organization, so be sure that solid leadership is in place with your group/league and that communication is operating efficiently at all levels. The examples that are set by the youth sports organization will carry through the dynamics of coaches and parents, so it’s important to remember the emphasis on leadership at the organizational level as well.

While the ups and downs of the season can take a toll on everyone, strong leadership at all levels can help keep attitudes in check and the season on track. Don’t look to others to step up and provide leadership, find the ways that you can be a solid, dependable leader within your organization. Remember that everyone has a part to play in building success.

It Takes a Special Dad to Coach Kids

**This column also appeared in the Argus Leader on June 13, 2016

As Father’s Day approaches, it is a great time to reflect on the unique role that dads play in youth sports. We look to parents to coach their kids in youth sporting leagues, and in football that task often falls to fathers. Coaching your own kids has unique challenges, but it also can have unique benefits for young athletes. Parents are concerned that kids learn the rules of the game, but they also have a powerful opportunity to teach life lessons to the young athletes they encounter.

I was recently following a Junior Football team with several of my athletes, and I noticed the coach would show up excited about practice and working with the team. As practice began, he had a routine but didn’t seem very comfortable with the kids’ instruction. He was uncertain on the style of offense and the rules, and he totally forgot all special teams. At that point, I figured they could be in for a long season.

After watching their first game, the team only gained one yard on offense, and the coach approached me and asked if I would consider giving him some assistance. My response was, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but why do you coach the boys?" He replied, "I get up at 3 a.m. to go to work, and I get off work and go directly to practice. Practice lets me spend time with my son and see him in a climate that he enjoys, and I enjoy being part of something with him and the other boys." That response told me everything I needed to know about this dad being exactly the kind of coach who should be working with our kids.

Coaches, particularly those volunteer dads who step up to coach their child’s team, can bring a wealth of positives to young athletes. They are demonstrating that they value spending time with their child and his/her friends and creating a meaningful experience together. They are taking an active role in making sure kids learn proper technique and rules of the game. They are demonstrating sportsmanship. These parents model how to handle conflict, how to win and lose, and how to be a good teammate in a competitive environment.

Occasionally you will see parents/coaches who accept the role to make sure their own children get more playing time, or they live vicariously through their child’s experience. And all coaches can get too wrapped up in winning and losing, and lose sight of the learning process that is so critical to youth sports. It’s important to keep sight of the most critical aspect of youth sports: to ensure that the kids have fun and enjoy the game.

As parents, whether we coach or not, we need to work together to help achieve that goal for our young athletes. Thank you to the volunteer coaches and parents who work to ensure that our kids have a positive experience. To those dads who are helping to shape our kids’ development through your mutual love of the game, Happy Father’s Day.

An Open Letter to Youth Sports Parents from Their Athlete

**This column also appeared in the Argus Leader on May 31, 2016.

Mom & Dad,

I am really excited for summer and the chance to be with all my friends. I’m looking forward to long days spent at the ballpark and on practice fields. I will be learning new things and making new friends. I hope that this is a fun experience, and I also hope you are proud of me for getting out there and trying.

Please remember that when I’m on the field or in the dugout, the experience is for me and about me. Also please remember that I am going to make mistakes; it is how I learn. I’m trying hard to do all the things I’ve been taught, but I’m still pretty new to the game. When I mess up, trust me, I already know what I did. Yelling about it isn’t going to help. If I want to talk about the mistakes, I will bring it up later. Or just trust that my coach and I have figured out what I need to do to improve.

I hope you see that I am trying to learn the rules of the game, figure out my position and listen to my coach and the officials. When you come into the picture with constant questioning about playing time, extra training, schemes and practice, it is overwhelming to me. It is really awkward when you are continually yelling from the stands about those things. I’m working as hard as I can to learn to be a good teammate and show respect to those around me. It really helps if you show that same respect to my coach and my teammates.

I also hope you see that I am happy and having fun. The finer points of performance are not my focus. I’m working together with my friends so we can play our very best. I’m not worried about outperforming my teammates, landing a spot on an elite team in high school, or getting a college scholarship. I just want to play with my friends and have fun.

One of the things you tell me is that it doesn’t matter whether we win or lose. Help me believe you. I want you to be excited about how I play and contribute to my team, not just be proud of the final score. I love to make a big play too, but as I’m learning the game, I need to know you enjoy watching me no matter what happens.

There will be great days, and there will be rough days. That is sports, and that is life. Please don’t critique my game, criticize my coach’s decisions, or continually point out the differences in playing time between me and my teammates. I would love it if you helped me to set some goals, and then helped me to achieve them. It would be even better if we could spend some time together working toward those goals. I know that now and forever, you will be my biggest fans.

I never say thank you enough, but I really do appreciate the time and energy you devote to me. I will look back on these summer days as some of my favorites because I shared them with you and my friends. Thanks for all that you do to help me be my very best.

Love,
Your child

Five tips for Sports Parents

**This column also appeared in the Argus Leader on March 15, 2016.

John Wooden once said, “Sports do not build character, they reveal it.” There is no aspect of sports where that truth is more evident than with sports parents.

We have all been present at sporting events where parents created a miserable experience for everyone involved, and the presence of those vocal few profoundly affects the experience for the majority of parents who are doing it right. In my years of working with parents of young athletes, these are the messages I try to reinforce to avoid being “that parent”:

1. Learning to lose is as important as learning to win. Parents often struggle with their kids losing, not because of the win-loss record, but because they hate seeing the disappointment their kids go through. It is so important that parents set goals outside of winning and losing with kids. Focus on aspects of performance, team goals and meaningful ways to celebrate improvement. It is OK for kids to figure out they don’t like losing, but parents need to help them learn to win and lose with respect for opponents, officials and the sport.

2. Adversity is part of the sport. Athletes at all levels will struggle, but kids don’t always have the emotional or physical resources to face their challenges. Parents need to help young athletes understand that struggles are part of learning how to improve and contribute to a team. Some days kids play well, some days they don’t. Some days they get lots of playing time, some days they don’t. Whatever the situation which is frustrating to a young athlete, parents need to find ways to empower their child to face the challenges. Parents can’t face it for them, and ultimately, kids learn about sports and life by encountering challenges with a solid support system.

3. Doing too much, too soon is not good for young athletes. We live in a time where there are tons of costly, flashy options available for young football players, and parents think their athletes need national exposure from birth in order to get their kids playing time and college scholarships. What exactly is the benefit for 7-year-olds from playing an expensive and over-hyped flag tourney in Puerto Rico? For the most part, these programs are a terrible addition to youth football. They are expensive, they mimic college and professional football with a heavy emphasis on winning, they set kids up for injury and burnout and they are unnecessary. It is better for young athletes to develop their athleticism and confidence, and to learn football fundamentals than to compete in a national Super Bowl-type atmosphere. Choose carefully the environment where your kids learn sports and sportsmanship.

4. Maintain perspective, and keep expectations in check. One of the hardest things for parents to deal with is the changes that kids go through as they grow. Their son or daughter dominated in fourth grade, but they do not know what is wrong with them now in eighth grade. Are they not trying as hard? Or practicing as hard? And how do we fix that? If you have watched your child’s peers grow and change, you know that physical development greatly affects performance, and it is different for every single child. Parents need to remember that performance and ability will vary widely in youth sports so focus on learning solid fundamentals. Helping kids focus on their own improvements and contributing to the team maintains a healthy perspective.

5. Keep it fun. Parents who berate their child, coaches, officials and other parents take the fun out of the sport for everyone involved. Parents who push too hard and project unrealistic expectations create harmful consequences for their child. Remember, the worst part for kids in youth sports is usually the ride home after the game. Encourage, support and be enthusiastic. When athletes start to lose excitement for the sport, then it usually time to move on to the next sport.

Youth sports should provide athletes and families a rich environment to learn and grow together. Parents must be mindful that the example of sportsmanship they set for their young athletes will carry over in powerful ways. Be an advocate for your athlete, but keep it positive and in perspective.

Tips for the College Recruiting Process

**This column appeared in the Argus Leader on Jan. 26, 2016.

If there is a question I am frequently asked by parents, it is about whether their child can play college football. Parents are hopeful that their kids can play at the college level, and they are generally attuned to the many challenges of getting to play college ball. Dealing with academics and college finances is part of the big picture, but with National Signing Day fast approaching, parents and athletes are focused on college recruiting.

The Argus Leader recently ran an article discussing the difficulties faced by high school athletes in rural areas or from smaller schools who want to play college ball. How do they get the opportunity to play college ball? What things can families do to assist the process? There are many things for parents and athletes to consider in their quest to play at the college level.

1) The time to focus is during an athlete’s sophomore or junior year of high school. Beware of programs touted for very young kids that promise opportunities for youth to get seen and recruited. They are often expensive and don’t deliver on the promise of college scholarships.

2) Recruiting services are "money-traps." Unless an athlete wants to go to schools on the East or West coasts, coaches will see your athlete. Even if an athlete wants to get out of the Midwest, it's possible to self-promote just as effectively as any recruiting agency. With the technology and other resources available to athletes, they can make sure that coaches see what they have to offer without having to pay thousands of dollars to an unknown agency.

3) College camps have become a recruiting camp in many senses, but it is still a very effective way to let coaches see athletes firsthand and see the skills that they offer. College camps can let the coaches assess talent compared with other athletes, and it gives the coaches a chance to get to know your athlete. If athletes are considering attending a big school, then they should expect a lot of kids at that school’s camp. Many athletes have the same aspirations, but it is still a great chance to be in front of the coaches. This is a much better option when compared to recruiting firms or camps that are purely for profit.

4) Only attend combines and recruiting events that will have active college coaches in attendance. Many combines and all-star games will promise that there will be college coaches in attendance, when in fact there will not be anyone present. Do not be afraid to ask coaches if they will be in attendance or if someone from their staff will be there.

5) High school coaches are great assets for the recruiting process. High school coaches will receive a great deal of literature from colleges. Make sure that your coach knows that you have a goal of playing college football and at what level. Coaches can also make it known to the college coaches what an athlete’s goals are, and they can assist you with getting "seen" by the college coaches.
Families have to consider travel and cost. Consider whether traveling to a college camp on the West Coast is going to be something that will help your recruiting process, or whether the camp is "just for the experience." There are a large number of camps and opportunities, and things can add up quickly. This is still on top of all the events that your high school team may be participating in, family events, and individual training. Set a budget and then map out the camps that you think will fit into that budget.

6) Make sure that you are taking the necessary steps to become an eligible athlete. Athletes need to perform well on their ACT test, possess a solid GPA, register with the Clearinghouse, develop a realistic financial aid plan and consider state or private schools. All of these are things families need to consider and plan for in the recruiting process.

The key to a positive and productive college recruiting process is to know what level of play is realistic for an athlete and then to find connections and opportunities to get seen by programs that would be a good fit. Remember, academics are the most important fit, and football is part of the bigger picture. Review your options, discuss with coaches, and plan ahead to find realistic and beneficial opportunities for your athlete.

'Concussion' Gives Opportunity for Discussion

**This column appeared in the Argus Leader on Dec. 21, 2015.

You will be hearing a great deal about safety in the sport of football with the Christmas release of the movie, “Concussion.”

The movie centers around still-developing scientific research regarding the long-term effects of concussions on football players. Hopefully this will prompt families to engage in discussions about safety in all of youth sports.

Many families will see this movie and wonder if they should let their child play football at all. Obviously, football has been a huge part of my own life, so I am strongly in favor of letting kids play the game. That being said, I also support the ongoing research and efforts to improve player safety and minimize the risks of injury.

Parents have always wrestled with the decision of whether or not to let their kids play football, hockey and other contact sports. If they let their kids play, what age would be the best to begin? Should they have their child play flag football instead of tackle football? What helmet should their child wear? Is the coach teaching correct tackling form? Are the league and officials doing their best to protect kids? Concussions are very serious, and we continue to strive to create a safer game, but are concussions the only safety factor that we need to consider? Should the risk of injury prevent kids from participating in football at all?

Research tells us there are risks to playing football. Science has come a long way in measuring the effects of concussions on athletes in all contact sports. As a result, the sport is evolving to improve fundamentals and training for athletes. While it is impossible to eliminate the risk of injury for athletes in contact sports, there are things we can do to help minimize the risk and still expose our kids to the many benefits of youth sports.

Ultimately, parents need to decide what is acceptable for their athlete. How does a parent do this? Be informed about the risks, and ask questions of the coaches and directors of youth programs.

● Is my child being trained using the newest, safest standards for the sport?

● What kind of training have coaches received on player safety? Is correct tackling technique being worked on every day?

● What is the team protocol if my child is injured during practice or a game?

● What is the coaching philosophy for working with young athletes?

● Is the coach organized and using drills that are incorporated within the structure of practice, or is the coach using hard-hitting drills to waste practice time?

● Are the athletes excited and moving around, rather than standing and listening to someone lecture the entire practice?

● Are all facets of the game being taught in the limited practices? Not just practicing plays, but teaching tackling, blocking, alignment, special teams, etc.

● Is the team atmosphere healthy and focused on learning while having fun?

● Is your athlete physically able to keep up with his/her teammates?

● Is your athlete mentally and physically ready for the things which he/she will be asked to do?

In football, it is critical for kids to learn proper fundamentals for tackling. It is extremely important that their learning coincides with their physical development. This is why many kids start with flag football and progress into tackle football as they develop strength and technique. Adjusting to the use of equipment is necessary and encouraged with young athletes, but all contact should be controlled and limited by coaches until they are confident in the athlete’s skills and comfort level.

Parents can not rush physical development by forcing an athlete into a sport they are not ready to play. The athlete’s lack of ability will be shown physically and mentally, and that is when the risk of injury increases. Flag football allows the athlete to grow and mature, while at the same time becoming confident and mentally prepared to eventually take that next step into tackle football. Communication and trust between parents and coaches is critical to this process.

While much of the conversation from the movie will center on the risk of injury in contact sports, don’t lose sight of other important points of consideration. We all want our kids to experience the many physical and mental benefits of being part of youth sports, and with proper training and support, kids can be involved in football but minimize the risk of serious long-term injury. Be informed about the science and the sport, ask questions about the programs you are considering for your athlete, and ultimately, make the decisions that are the best fit for your family.

How Do You Define Success?

**This column appeared in the Argus Leader on October 28, 2015.

As the high school football season winds down and teams head into playoffs, we tend to measure the value of a successful season in terms of who stays alive to win a championship. Under that standard, only one team feels that it experienced a successful season, and that is especially unfortunate when it comes to youth football.

There are many benchmarks that can measure whether your season has been successful. An honest reflection on the season is the key to understanding your accomplishments and building on them. Whether you are the athlete, parent or coach, remind yourself that winning is important, but it is not the only way to define success.

Athletes:

Ask yourself what things you have learned during the season. Did you learn new skills on the field? Were you a good teammate? Hopefully you developed more confidence in your abilities and in doing your part for the team.

Were there times when you needed to show respect and good sportsmanship to the people around you? That is very difficult at times for athletes who are trained to be highly competitive. It is definitely a sign of success when you conduct yourself with pride and respect for officials and opposing teams, even under difficult circumstances.

Can you think of times where you faced challenges and you kept a positive attitude? That is also an important consideration for success. Most importantly for athletes, did you have fun practicing and playing with your teammates? If you enjoyed your season and gave your best effort, then you should definitely measure your season as successful.

Parents:
The biggest question for parents is whether or not you did your very best in your role as the biggest fan for your athlete. Did you find ways to encourage and support your child whether they were winning or losing? Your job is to be a positive role model and cheer for your child, so ideally, you spent most of the season leading by example to your young athlete.

It can be extremely easy to lose sight of team dynamics and the bigger picture when you want so badly for your child to excel. Part of what parents have to do is nurture their athletes through the ups and downs of the season. The season’s grind takes a toll on everyone, so if you can honestly reflect on things and say you kept a positive tone with your athlete and helped them work through daily challenges, you did your part.

One of the most difficult things for parents is to stay away from the "blame game" with referees, coaches, leagues, other teams, etc. When things aren’t going well, we sometimes slip into that mentality, so if you were able to promote positive thinking and stay away from blaming others for the season’s challenges, it was absolutely a successful season.

Coaches:

Of course, coaches want to win, but some of the winningest programs don’t have healthy atmospheres for young athletes. As a coach, can you look back at the season and see that your team improved each week? Did you set practice and performance goals for your athletes? Did you achieve those goals? Improvement for young athletes is incremental, and often they take one step forward and two steps back as they learn the sport and the many skills required of them on the field. If you can see that your team worked together under your leadership every week to learn and improve, then your youth football season was successful.

Did you instill a sense of team pride in your athletes? Were you able to encourage them to learn and have fun without yelling or losing your temper? That is not always easy in youth sports, so hopefully you established a positive atmosphere for your athletes and provided an appropriate balance of learning and discipline. Coaches have a tremendous impact on their athletes’ confidence and mentality, and I’m continually impressed at the devotion of volunteer coaches to creating a great experience for their teams.

We often refer to an undefeated season as a "perfect season," but I’m going to tell you there is no such thing as a perfect season. Every season has its challenges for athletes, parents and coaches, and a huge part of sports is learning to overcome those challenges. The best thing we can do is assess how we contribute to the development of our kids and their love of the sport. If we are honest about our interactions, we can build on the strengths of this season and learn from any mistakes we made. Let your success story include the tales of many contributions to the team and making the season the best possible for athletes. Win or lose, your team will understand success.