Parents: Can you #daretochill?

**This column appeared in the Argus Leader on Nov. 9, 2016.

If you have attended any sporting events this fall, you’ve undoubtedly seen parents displaying many qualities you hope young athletes would never emulate. We’ve all seen parents calling opposing teams “cheaters” when penalties are called on them, parents yelling at a coach about play calling, and athletes who heard parents yelling at officials about “missed” calls who then turn around and yell at officials about the same thing.

The environment for school and youth sports can be extremely unpleasant for everyone involved if you have these type of parents in your crowd. How do you get them to consider their behavior? The Positive Coaching Alliance started a new initiative this fall called #daretochill, and it emphasizes some critical points for parents.

As playoffs are in full swing and seasons wind down with high-stakes games, there is a sense of heightened pressure in the crowd right now. Those parents who were grumbling earlier in the season are now emboldened to shout their negative comments at players, coaches, officials and even other parents. The entire environment is stressful for young athletes, but it can become really unbearable as parents who really want their child to experience the thrill of winning big games go about “encouraging” their kids in all the wrong ways. The #daretochill initiative encourages parents to simply chill out and remember the reasons why they are there in the first place. 

Reminding parents to #daretochill seems simple enough, but there are multiple issues at play, so if you are one of those parents yelling from the stands, take a few moments to think things through. We can all display some of these undesirable qualities if we aren’t careful.

My best advice to parents is to check your expectations. All parents want what is best for their kids, but sometimes we lose sight of how we are actually affecting those around us. Our job as parents is to be our child’s biggest fan. There is enough pressure around and within them, they don’t need the additional pressure of extreme parental expectations. Especially at games and practices, your job is to encourage and support, never to coach or criticize. If you can’t step into the supportive role and instead insist on hounding your child, the coach, or officials, you will end up making the entire experience miserable for everyone involved. The end result of a zero fun experience is that 70 percent of kids drop out of sports completely by the age of 13. Don’t lead your child down that path. Check your expectations and embrace your role as your child’s greatest fan.

My other caution is to beware the power of the group. Sometimes parents who would never dream of challenging the official or chastising a child will get caught up in the momentum of some unfortunate choices by other parents. The group mentality becomes a negative force to be reckoned with, and it can completely destroy an event that was designed to instill confidence and enjoyment for athletes. We all can take a moment and #daretochill as part of that group, and parents who lead the charge for cooler heads to prevail will ultimately be much appreciated, especially by the athletes.

As you are attending those playoff games and cheering on your athletes, take a few minutes and remember what a great opportunity exists for athletes to be part of a team and a sport. We all want the best experience for our child, and we have a real opportunity to contribute to the way our kids’ feel about themselves and their experience. If we want them to love it, have fun and do their best, then it won’t hurt us to #daretochill and let them play.

Remember that at the end of the season, peaceful parents, content kids and your love for a sport and a team are some pretty great things to take home.

Leadership At Every Level

**This column appeared in the Argus Leader on September 20, 2016.

If there is one quality that I believe is critical to the success of a sports team, it is leadership. When we think of leaders, we tend to think of a coach who builds a solid program or a player who steps up in high pressure situations. In my experience, I believe that leadership is something everyone involved in a sports organization can and must demonstrate in order to achieve success. Athletes, coaches, parents, and organizations can contribute their efforts to be leaders in some meaningful way. With the 2016 season underway, these are some ideas for everyone to keep in mind to help their team achieve success.

As an athlete, what can you do to be a leader on and off the field? Start with your attitude. Think about the attitude you bring to practice and games. The way you interact with your teammates and coach lets them know you are willing to do whatever is needed to help the team. When there are struggles and you are still working hard and trying to keep your team focused, you will be leading your teammates by example. Every athlete has the potential to be a leader if he/she believes in the team and works to show it.

Athletes also show leadership through their commitment to team goals. Everyone wants to improve and win games, but not everyone commits to working hard outside of practice and setting aside individual goals to make the team better. Your commitment shows through the effort you bring during practice, games, and the off season. Remember that effort can be shown through training and playing hard, but it also shows through when you are supporting your teammates on and off the field. Sometimes that effort is extremely difficult, especially when you need to support a competitor. You will be demonstrating great leadership if you can put in the effort, especially when it’s difficult, and stay strong in your commitment to making your team better.

Coaches have a tremendous opportunity to show leadership, not just in the win/loss record for their team, but with the relationships they build with their team and players. Kids look to their coaches for their guidance in words and actions, so it is important to keep in mind the effect of both those things on young athletes who have tremendous reliance on their coach. Your words and attitude as a coach will shape your players’ love of the game, love of practice, and desire to continue in the sport. Remember that if you model those values for your team, you create instant respect and players will listen and buy into your team’s philosophy. Coaches should always bear in mind the power they have over young athletes.

In addition to learning the game, young athletes need someone that will give constant support. Parents are the leaders that athletes look to for that positive support. I cannot stress enough that parents need to know their role with their young athletes and be a child’s biggest fan. Parents must be careful to set a positive example with other parents and especially in supporting their child’s coach. Don’t fall into the negativity trap of criticism about playing time, coaching mistakes, or issues with the organization. Your kids look to you to know that you love and support them regardless of the bigger issues, so don’t attempt to coach them during games and practices, and especially not right after a game. Let your coach do the coaching and be sure that your child knows you support him/her no matter what happens. Your leadership in helping them understand sportsmanship is vital to their love of the game.

Youth sports organizations also have the opportunity to set the leadership tone for everyone involved. An organization can make it clear that emphasis is not upon winning or losing, and it can be a leader for positive change. Sports organizations need to stay ahead of safety trends and ensure that they are promoting best practices for sport, safety, and organizational management. An organization that is demonstrating good leadership will show a willingness to listen to its members, open-mindedness to issues that arise, and a desire to operate and make necessary changes for the betterment of the group. Communication is key to success with an organization, so be sure that solid leadership is in place with your group/league and that communication is operating efficiently at all levels. The examples that are set by the youth sports organization will carry through the dynamics of coaches and parents, so it’s important to remember the emphasis on leadership at the organizational level as well.

While the ups and downs of the season can take a toll on everyone, strong leadership at all levels can help keep attitudes in check and the season on track. Don’t look to others to step up and provide leadership, find the ways that you can be a solid, dependable leader within your organization. Remember that everyone has a part to play in building success.

It Takes a Special Dad to Coach Kids

**This column also appeared in the Argus Leader on June 13, 2016

As Father’s Day approaches, it is a great time to reflect on the unique role that dads play in youth sports. We look to parents to coach their kids in youth sporting leagues, and in football that task often falls to fathers. Coaching your own kids has unique challenges, but it also can have unique benefits for young athletes. Parents are concerned that kids learn the rules of the game, but they also have a powerful opportunity to teach life lessons to the young athletes they encounter.

I was recently following a Junior Football team with several of my athletes, and I noticed the coach would show up excited about practice and working with the team. As practice began, he had a routine but didn’t seem very comfortable with the kids’ instruction. He was uncertain on the style of offense and the rules, and he totally forgot all special teams. At that point, I figured they could be in for a long season.

After watching their first game, the team only gained one yard on offense, and the coach approached me and asked if I would consider giving him some assistance. My response was, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but why do you coach the boys?" He replied, "I get up at 3 a.m. to go to work, and I get off work and go directly to practice. Practice lets me spend time with my son and see him in a climate that he enjoys, and I enjoy being part of something with him and the other boys." That response told me everything I needed to know about this dad being exactly the kind of coach who should be working with our kids.

Coaches, particularly those volunteer dads who step up to coach their child’s team, can bring a wealth of positives to young athletes. They are demonstrating that they value spending time with their child and his/her friends and creating a meaningful experience together. They are taking an active role in making sure kids learn proper technique and rules of the game. They are demonstrating sportsmanship. These parents model how to handle conflict, how to win and lose, and how to be a good teammate in a competitive environment.

Occasionally you will see parents/coaches who accept the role to make sure their own children get more playing time, or they live vicariously through their child’s experience. And all coaches can get too wrapped up in winning and losing, and lose sight of the learning process that is so critical to youth sports. It’s important to keep sight of the most critical aspect of youth sports: to ensure that the kids have fun and enjoy the game.

As parents, whether we coach or not, we need to work together to help achieve that goal for our young athletes. Thank you to the volunteer coaches and parents who work to ensure that our kids have a positive experience. To those dads who are helping to shape our kids’ development through your mutual love of the game, Happy Father’s Day.