Parents: Can you #daretochill?

**This column appeared in the Argus Leader on Nov. 9, 2016.

If you have attended any sporting events this fall, you’ve undoubtedly seen parents displaying many qualities you hope young athletes would never emulate. We’ve all seen parents calling opposing teams “cheaters” when penalties are called on them, parents yelling at a coach about play calling, and athletes who heard parents yelling at officials about “missed” calls who then turn around and yell at officials about the same thing.

The environment for school and youth sports can be extremely unpleasant for everyone involved if you have these type of parents in your crowd. How do you get them to consider their behavior? The Positive Coaching Alliance started a new initiative this fall called #daretochill, and it emphasizes some critical points for parents.

As playoffs are in full swing and seasons wind down with high-stakes games, there is a sense of heightened pressure in the crowd right now. Those parents who were grumbling earlier in the season are now emboldened to shout their negative comments at players, coaches, officials and even other parents. The entire environment is stressful for young athletes, but it can become really unbearable as parents who really want their child to experience the thrill of winning big games go about “encouraging” their kids in all the wrong ways. The #daretochill initiative encourages parents to simply chill out and remember the reasons why they are there in the first place. 

Reminding parents to #daretochill seems simple enough, but there are multiple issues at play, so if you are one of those parents yelling from the stands, take a few moments to think things through. We can all display some of these undesirable qualities if we aren’t careful.

My best advice to parents is to check your expectations. All parents want what is best for their kids, but sometimes we lose sight of how we are actually affecting those around us. Our job as parents is to be our child’s biggest fan. There is enough pressure around and within them, they don’t need the additional pressure of extreme parental expectations. Especially at games and practices, your job is to encourage and support, never to coach or criticize. If you can’t step into the supportive role and instead insist on hounding your child, the coach, or officials, you will end up making the entire experience miserable for everyone involved. The end result of a zero fun experience is that 70 percent of kids drop out of sports completely by the age of 13. Don’t lead your child down that path. Check your expectations and embrace your role as your child’s greatest fan.

My other caution is to beware the power of the group. Sometimes parents who would never dream of challenging the official or chastising a child will get caught up in the momentum of some unfortunate choices by other parents. The group mentality becomes a negative force to be reckoned with, and it can completely destroy an event that was designed to instill confidence and enjoyment for athletes. We all can take a moment and #daretochill as part of that group, and parents who lead the charge for cooler heads to prevail will ultimately be much appreciated, especially by the athletes.

As you are attending those playoff games and cheering on your athletes, take a few minutes and remember what a great opportunity exists for athletes to be part of a team and a sport. We all want the best experience for our child, and we have a real opportunity to contribute to the way our kids’ feel about themselves and their experience. If we want them to love it, have fun and do their best, then it won’t hurt us to #daretochill and let them play.

Remember that at the end of the season, peaceful parents, content kids and your love for a sport and a team are some pretty great things to take home.

It Takes a Special Dad to Coach Kids

**This column also appeared in the Argus Leader on June 13, 2016

As Father’s Day approaches, it is a great time to reflect on the unique role that dads play in youth sports. We look to parents to coach their kids in youth sporting leagues, and in football that task often falls to fathers. Coaching your own kids has unique challenges, but it also can have unique benefits for young athletes. Parents are concerned that kids learn the rules of the game, but they also have a powerful opportunity to teach life lessons to the young athletes they encounter.

I was recently following a Junior Football team with several of my athletes, and I noticed the coach would show up excited about practice and working with the team. As practice began, he had a routine but didn’t seem very comfortable with the kids’ instruction. He was uncertain on the style of offense and the rules, and he totally forgot all special teams. At that point, I figured they could be in for a long season.

After watching their first game, the team only gained one yard on offense, and the coach approached me and asked if I would consider giving him some assistance. My response was, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but why do you coach the boys?" He replied, "I get up at 3 a.m. to go to work, and I get off work and go directly to practice. Practice lets me spend time with my son and see him in a climate that he enjoys, and I enjoy being part of something with him and the other boys." That response told me everything I needed to know about this dad being exactly the kind of coach who should be working with our kids.

Coaches, particularly those volunteer dads who step up to coach their child’s team, can bring a wealth of positives to young athletes. They are demonstrating that they value spending time with their child and his/her friends and creating a meaningful experience together. They are taking an active role in making sure kids learn proper technique and rules of the game. They are demonstrating sportsmanship. These parents model how to handle conflict, how to win and lose, and how to be a good teammate in a competitive environment.

Occasionally you will see parents/coaches who accept the role to make sure their own children get more playing time, or they live vicariously through their child’s experience. And all coaches can get too wrapped up in winning and losing, and lose sight of the learning process that is so critical to youth sports. It’s important to keep sight of the most critical aspect of youth sports: to ensure that the kids have fun and enjoy the game.

As parents, whether we coach or not, we need to work together to help achieve that goal for our young athletes. Thank you to the volunteer coaches and parents who work to ensure that our kids have a positive experience. To those dads who are helping to shape our kids’ development through your mutual love of the game, Happy Father’s Day.

An Open Letter to Youth Sports Parents from Their Athlete

**This column also appeared in the Argus Leader on May 31, 2016.

Mom & Dad,

I am really excited for summer and the chance to be with all my friends. I’m looking forward to long days spent at the ballpark and on practice fields. I will be learning new things and making new friends. I hope that this is a fun experience, and I also hope you are proud of me for getting out there and trying.

Please remember that when I’m on the field or in the dugout, the experience is for me and about me. Also please remember that I am going to make mistakes; it is how I learn. I’m trying hard to do all the things I’ve been taught, but I’m still pretty new to the game. When I mess up, trust me, I already know what I did. Yelling about it isn’t going to help. If I want to talk about the mistakes, I will bring it up later. Or just trust that my coach and I have figured out what I need to do to improve.

I hope you see that I am trying to learn the rules of the game, figure out my position and listen to my coach and the officials. When you come into the picture with constant questioning about playing time, extra training, schemes and practice, it is overwhelming to me. It is really awkward when you are continually yelling from the stands about those things. I’m working as hard as I can to learn to be a good teammate and show respect to those around me. It really helps if you show that same respect to my coach and my teammates.

I also hope you see that I am happy and having fun. The finer points of performance are not my focus. I’m working together with my friends so we can play our very best. I’m not worried about outperforming my teammates, landing a spot on an elite team in high school, or getting a college scholarship. I just want to play with my friends and have fun.

One of the things you tell me is that it doesn’t matter whether we win or lose. Help me believe you. I want you to be excited about how I play and contribute to my team, not just be proud of the final score. I love to make a big play too, but as I’m learning the game, I need to know you enjoy watching me no matter what happens.

There will be great days, and there will be rough days. That is sports, and that is life. Please don’t critique my game, criticize my coach’s decisions, or continually point out the differences in playing time between me and my teammates. I would love it if you helped me to set some goals, and then helped me to achieve them. It would be even better if we could spend some time together working toward those goals. I know that now and forever, you will be my biggest fans.

I never say thank you enough, but I really do appreciate the time and energy you devote to me. I will look back on these summer days as some of my favorites because I shared them with you and my friends. Thanks for all that you do to help me be my very best.

Love,
Your child

How Do You Define Success?

**This column appeared in the Argus Leader on October 28, 2015.

As the high school football season winds down and teams head into playoffs, we tend to measure the value of a successful season in terms of who stays alive to win a championship. Under that standard, only one team feels that it experienced a successful season, and that is especially unfortunate when it comes to youth football.

There are many benchmarks that can measure whether your season has been successful. An honest reflection on the season is the key to understanding your accomplishments and building on them. Whether you are the athlete, parent or coach, remind yourself that winning is important, but it is not the only way to define success.

Athletes:

Ask yourself what things you have learned during the season. Did you learn new skills on the field? Were you a good teammate? Hopefully you developed more confidence in your abilities and in doing your part for the team.

Were there times when you needed to show respect and good sportsmanship to the people around you? That is very difficult at times for athletes who are trained to be highly competitive. It is definitely a sign of success when you conduct yourself with pride and respect for officials and opposing teams, even under difficult circumstances.

Can you think of times where you faced challenges and you kept a positive attitude? That is also an important consideration for success. Most importantly for athletes, did you have fun practicing and playing with your teammates? If you enjoyed your season and gave your best effort, then you should definitely measure your season as successful.

Parents:
The biggest question for parents is whether or not you did your very best in your role as the biggest fan for your athlete. Did you find ways to encourage and support your child whether they were winning or losing? Your job is to be a positive role model and cheer for your child, so ideally, you spent most of the season leading by example to your young athlete.

It can be extremely easy to lose sight of team dynamics and the bigger picture when you want so badly for your child to excel. Part of what parents have to do is nurture their athletes through the ups and downs of the season. The season’s grind takes a toll on everyone, so if you can honestly reflect on things and say you kept a positive tone with your athlete and helped them work through daily challenges, you did your part.

One of the most difficult things for parents is to stay away from the "blame game" with referees, coaches, leagues, other teams, etc. When things aren’t going well, we sometimes slip into that mentality, so if you were able to promote positive thinking and stay away from blaming others for the season’s challenges, it was absolutely a successful season.

Coaches:

Of course, coaches want to win, but some of the winningest programs don’t have healthy atmospheres for young athletes. As a coach, can you look back at the season and see that your team improved each week? Did you set practice and performance goals for your athletes? Did you achieve those goals? Improvement for young athletes is incremental, and often they take one step forward and two steps back as they learn the sport and the many skills required of them on the field. If you can see that your team worked together under your leadership every week to learn and improve, then your youth football season was successful.

Did you instill a sense of team pride in your athletes? Were you able to encourage them to learn and have fun without yelling or losing your temper? That is not always easy in youth sports, so hopefully you established a positive atmosphere for your athletes and provided an appropriate balance of learning and discipline. Coaches have a tremendous impact on their athletes’ confidence and mentality, and I’m continually impressed at the devotion of volunteer coaches to creating a great experience for their teams.

We often refer to an undefeated season as a "perfect season," but I’m going to tell you there is no such thing as a perfect season. Every season has its challenges for athletes, parents and coaches, and a huge part of sports is learning to overcome those challenges. The best thing we can do is assess how we contribute to the development of our kids and their love of the sport. If we are honest about our interactions, we can build on the strengths of this season and learn from any mistakes we made. Let your success story include the tales of many contributions to the team and making the season the best possible for athletes. Win or lose, your team will understand success.

Season of Thanks

It takes many dedicated individuals and a supportive community to see success at various levels in the football scene. In this season of giving thanks, I wanted to offer my reflection on some of the positives of the 2014 season.

Thank you to the athletes who gave their all at practices and games. Football is a demanding sport, and learning the game, improving skills, and performing with enthusiasm and sportsmanship is not always easy. The greatest aspect of football that it is the ultimate team sport. Bringing a group together and needing every single individual to commit to a common goal is what makes football great! Watching athletes "buy in" to the team concept is very rewarding as we watch our youth continue to advance in the game. When athletes realize they are playing for more than themselves, they play with more heart and conviction. Our kids give their all to physical development and the betterment of their team. They each have the power to make their teams great through their contributions, and that makes football the best team game of all.

Thank you to the parents who embraced their role in developing their athletes, on and off the field. Youth sports is a journey. Athletes go through many amazing experiences, and they also go through many tests and trials along the way. Athletes need supportive parents that embrace the good and the bad in the journey, and tirelessly support their kids on the sidelines, in their schoolwork, and their time away from the sport. Parents guide their athletes through learning about teamwork, winning and losing gracefully, understanding their role on the team, contributing through playing time, making mistakes, being respectful to officials and coaches, and having fun. We've all seen (or been) the parent who struggles with these lessons at times, but the vast majority of parents work very hard to support and help their players be their best. It does not go unnoticed or unappreciated!

Thank you to the countless volunteers that made youth sports a successful overall experience for kids and families. Youth sports would not be successful without those volunteers that help with reffing, working concessions, serving on boards, creating and working tournaments, and providing our youth with opportunities to learn, appreciate, and develop in the sport. Team sports for kids require an immense amount of 'behind the scenes' coordination, and the people who undertake the task of delivering excellent programs and tournaments deserve sincere gratitude.

Thank you to the many parents and community members who stepped into the difficult and thankless job of coaching. Coaches take on the responsibility for teaching the fundamentals of a sport, safe technique and skills, and all the aspects of managing young athletes in challenging physical and emotional situations. Coaches have to be able to nurture their athletes through all the ups and downs of a season, and they have to do that with kids who have various levels of understanding of the game, and the network of parents who question their every decision. It's an incredibly difficult job to do well, and those volunteer coaches have a huge impact on athlete and family experiences. Thank you, coaches, for donating your precious time to help our young athletes.

Thank you to the community of Sioux Falls for an unwavering support and vision for youth sports. We are so lucky to have a community that has such a strong commitment to youth athletics and the development of our kids. Our athletes want to get better, and our community wants to help them! From the newest facilities, fields, lights, or tournament opportunities, we are truly blessed in Sioux Falls in many different sports and youth activities. We have the best of the best!

Best wishes to you and your families for a Thanksgiving filled with family, food, friends, and football.

The Local Best

Check out media reports on any given day, and you will see that professional athletes live under a magnifying glass in our current culture. Everything they do is watched, scrutinized, reported, and judged. Unfortunately, most of the headlines are negative, and people are very quick to point out every shortcoming and mistake that a pro athlete makes. Whether the scrutiny is fair or unfair, these athletes need to realize that they are always in the spotlight, and kids are always looking up to them.

Athletes may not like the idea of being a 24/7 role model, but when they put on a jersey of a professional team, then they can't escape the media glare and the high expectations of their fans. There have been countless examples of athletes with serious personal issues of late, and plenty of disappointed fans seeking jersey returns and a new role model. These events provide an excellent opportunity to remind kids that they don't have to look very far to find plenty of other tremendous role models for young athletes. 

As the season winds down and teams come together for playoff games, it’s a great time to remember that parents, coaches, and local athletes can be great role models for our kids. All three are leaders that have the attention of our young athletes. Children learn right from wrong, the idea of sportsmanship, and all about the competitive nature in athletics from their parents. Coaches have an impact far beyond the field as they try teach the rules of the game, issues of sportsmanship, and the importance of working within a team.

Roosevelt High School

Local athletes, like pro athletes, are people that our young athletes try to emulate. Watch the end zone areas of any high school game in America, and you will see kids in jerseys cheering on their local best and dreaming that someday they will be in the same position as those Friday night superstars. Each of those people have the ability to be tremendous role models for young athletes, and they can really have an effect on their young fans' lives and love of the sport.

Parents, coaches, and athletes need to remember and model the elements that will help those young fans be better on and off the field. We all hope that our young athletes can observe and learn things like listening, being coachable, being a good teammate, and learning to value team goals and not just personal goals. Parents, coaches, and athletes can help young athletes understand the consequences of skipping practice or losing their cool during a game or practice. We can also help them learn to take pride in their efforts and not just winning. If you are a parent, coach, or athlete who interacts with these young athletes, you are in a unique position to mentor them and help instill these values.

Not sure who some of these local athletes are? I asked some of our local high school coaches to recommend players who model sportsmanship on their teams. These are a few of the athletes who were recommended:

Washington High School

Roosevelt Head Coach Kim Nelson recommended Tyler VanVoorst. Tyler is a junior WR at RHS, and Coach Nelson stated, “He puts his teammates first all the time. He is the first to celebrate other players' good plays and touchdowns. He thanks his teammates when he scores, or has a good play. He will play anywhere we ask him to play and give a great effort. He is also a good student and a very good person in school and in the classroom. He respects everyone and is a great example of a "servant leader."

Harrisburg Head Coach Brandon White recommended Cody Cook. Coach White stated,  "Cody Cook is our role model! The way he treats his teammates is tremendous, and I appreciate the way he coaches up the young guys, on the field and off."  Coaches at the Academy have always been extremely complimentary about having the opportunities to work with Cody. He gives maximum effort in everything that he does, but more importantly is very coachable and respectful.

Washington High School Head Coach Chad Stadem recommended Logan Eckoff. Coach Stadem stated, “Logan is an outstanding student. He is involved in many activities at Washington including football, choir, baseball, etc. He is always at practice and willing to do anything we ask him to do for the team. He treats everyone with respect and is respected by all of his teammates.”

Cody Cook

We are accustomed to recognizing the accomplishments of teams that win championships and athletes who make big plays, but it is just as important to recognize those athletes who are champions off the field and during practice. Congrats to these athletes who are leading by example in their football programs!

It is easy to get caught up in the headlines about professional athletes, but remember that kids value the people around them. If you have the opportunity to interact with young athletes, take advantage of that time to model the qualities of great sportsmanship and help instill positive values. Today’s impressionable young athletes will be tomorrow’s Friday night superstars. Let’s lead them by example to be excellent, on and off the field.

The Power of Sportsmanship

**This column also appeared in the Argus Leader on May 19, 2014.

Legendary Notre Dame coach Knute Rockne once said, "One man practicing sportsmanship is far better than a hundred teaching it."

Photo-Elisha Page Argus Leader

One of the challenges we face as coaches and parents of young athletes is finding the best way to teach sportsmanship. The games offer many opportunities to learn life lessons and become better people. However, those lessons aren't always readily apparent to kids living in the hyper-competitive athletic world we've created for them.

We all need reminders that the final score and the win-loss record aren't why we play the game in the first place. Sometimes, those reminders come from unexpected places.

During the state basketball tournament this year, I could not help but notice a young man on the Roosevelt High bench. He was not one of the players, but you could tell that he was 100 percent committed to and invested in everything that the team was doing.

Scotty Briggs, a senior and Special Olympics athlete, was providing a powerful example of sportsmanship to his peers.

Every time the Rough Riders scored, he would celebrate as if they hit the game winning shot. Every time the players came over during a time-out looking dejected, he was there to cheer them up. He helped them realize what an amazing opportunity they had playing in the game.

There are three values of sportsmanship that I hope every child takes away from his or her involvement in youth athletics:

• Build self-confidence.

• Understand the value of teamwork.

• Deepen your love of the game.

Anything that communities and coaches can do to help promote those values for kids is a worthwhile effort.

The Sanford POWER Football Academy, for example, is committed to finding ways to teach not just football, but to practice the greater lessons of sportsmanship. As a result, we will be providing a special opportunity for athletes ages 8-18 in the Sioux Falls area this summer with an event we're calling "All Champs Camp."

All Champs was born out of a partnership with Special Olympics South Dakota. Football has not been a sanctioned SOSD sport, and there have not been opportunities for kids to learn football skills or play the game. Riggs Premier Football will be offering a Skills Clinic (June 8) and Flag Football Camp (July 20) as unified events, free of charge to all athletes.

Unified sports have been around for the past twenty years or so, and they build on the premise that the power of sport is most fully realized when you pair athletes with and without developmental disabilities to play the game together. Unified sports have the power to break down social barriers and reinforce the values of sportsmanship for everyone involved.

All Champs Camp will include SOSD athletes and Academy partners learning skills and playing football together. We think it will be one of our best events, and we hope for a great turnout. We sincerely hope this event is the only the beginning of the football story for SOSD athletes in Sioux Falls.

As a coach, one of the things I enjoy most about youth sports is that pure love of the game requires no translation. Bonds of friendship form quickly and deeply. Sports can transform lives. We see it every day as kids develop discipline and work ethic, turning everyday challenges into monumental triumphs.

I believe that providing All Champs Camp to young athletes in the area is a powerful way to demonstrate our belief at the Academy that football is for everyone.

When we accept that everyone brings something to the team, kids feel good about their contribution and they get to play a game they love with friends old and new. I think athletes and coaches alike will see firsthand the power of the game to change hearts and minds.

That is the power of sportsmanship, and that is what will define all these participants as "champions."

To the Kid in Right Field...

**This column also appeared in the Argus Leader on March 31, 2014.

Dear Right Fielder,

I've watched you play since your T-ball days with my son, and in case nobody else has told you lately, you are awesome. During these long baseball seasons, I enjoy watching you scamper out to the same spot and try your hardest to focus on the game while swatting at bugs and pulling the occasional weed. You sprint to your spot every time, hoping to impress your coach and get a shot at playing in the infield next inning. Your coach doesn’t always notice you putting in that little extra, but don’t ever let up with your efforts, no matter what happens!

I love watching your enthusiasm at the end of each inning when you sprint back to your buddies in the dugout to share the excitement of getting up to bat. You get disheartened sometimes when you strike out or things don’t go well for the team, but it is great to see you work with your teammates to overcome your challenges and get excited about the next opportunity. One of the things you will learn much later in life is that it’s hard to remember if you won or lost these games, but you will always remember being part of something special with your friends.

Finally! A fly ball comes your way, and I hold my breath in anticipation of your nerves and excitement. I love cheering you on when you catch a fly ball to end the inning, and your “I did it!” dash back to the dugout to celebrate with your team! But you should know that I’m cheering for you when you miss those fly balls too. I want you to keep playing your heart out because it’s clear just how much you love being on the field. It might not feel like it if you drop a ball, but in the end, your passion for the game is much more important than whether you make every catch.

It is great to see how proud you are in your team uniform. Never mind that your jersey is twice as big as you, it’s the number of your favorite player, and that makes it a perfect fit. The dirt and grass stains you take home are badges of honor for your very best efforts. I can’t see your heart on your sleeve, but I know it’s there because I watch you ride the waves of emotion that come with giving it your all in a sport that you love. You are learning that winning and losing are part of the game, and even though it is difficult, it is rewarding to see you do both with pride and respect.

I know that sometimes in the middle of crazy games and screaming fans, it isn’t easy to feel that you made any difference in the outcome. I hope you listen to your coach when he says every chance your team gets to play baseball is another chance to have fun, improve and come together as a team. Being part of the team helps you see that when every person works together for something bigger than one person’s performance, some really amazing things can happen. Whether you are hitting a home run or catching a fly ball, don’t ever question that your contribution makes a difference. We are all better when we work together.

There will be challenges ahead as an athlete, but remember, the most important thing you can do is keep playing the game. Don’t ever let anything stand in your way of being part of the team and part of the experience. Take pride in your involvement, and stick with it a little extra on those days you feel like quitting. You will never regret trying a little harder or playing just one more game.

When chances come your way, I really hope they turn into home runs and the shot at playing infield. But if they don’t, remember that your efforts and passion for the game have not gone unnoticed. The dedication, effort, and teamwork you are experiencing now will never leave you, and they will make you better at everything you do in your life.

Love the sport you play, and play the sport you love. And keep being awesome.

Sincerely,

A Fan

We all enjoy watching our kids in the sports spotlight. We cheer for them to make the winning basket, hit a home run, set a race record, or get a first down. It is important to remember that many young athletes put in endless hours of practice without necessarily having the opportunity to be the star. Those athletes are the unsung heroes of youth sports, and it’s important to recognize their talents and commitment. Be sure to offer your support to those athletes when you have a chance!

What Makes a Great Youth Sports Coach?

 If you ever participated in sports, I hope you can think back and remember a great coach...someone who believed in you and helped you be your best, even under difficult circumstances. Coaches have the power to make or break the entire sporting experience for young athletes, so it’s important to find and recognize what makes a great coach. I have attended my fair share of youth sporting events over the years, and I have been impressed with the quality and commitment demonstrated by volunteer coaches working with all ages of athletes. In my experience, these are the “winning qualities” I think parents should look for in their coaches:

1. Winning is great, but it isn’t why you are there. It is very easy to get absorbed in winning games and tournaments with youth sports teams. We all want our kids to succeed and be part of a winning program, but as coaches we have to keep perspective on what is important and teach kids to win and lose gracefully. A coach’s primary job has to be keeping things positive for every member of the team, and that means giving every athlete the chance to contribute on the field. No matter what the score is or how much time is left.

Winning a 4th grade game or tournament is really not going to be the deciding factor in these young athletes’ futures, but whether they enjoy themselves and feel like a valued member of the team will definitely dictate whether kids continue to participate. In youth sports, keeping kids involved and having fun is really what counts as a “win”. Coaches need to invest in each child's potential and help them see how they can contribute to the team. Creating this atmosphere will help with team building and individual confidence, Coaches who understand the importance of building up kids, instilling skills and confidence, and strengthening their team are the ones you want working with your young athletes!.

2. Developing skills and developing a person go hand in hand. Young athletes are there to learn the fundamentals of a sport, and coaches need to help them develop their athletic ability through practice and repetition, but there is so much more opportunity for development in youth sports. We fully expect our kids to learn the rules of the game, fundamental skills, and safe technique, but coaches also can help kids learn to respect officials, opponents, and the game itself. Coaches are in an awesome position to help athletes develop respect, learn to play fairly, and practice solid sportsmanship. Gracious winners on the field can translate those skills to all areas of their lives, and the power of that development message should come through loud and clear from coaches. 

3. Patience and process...process and patience. Working with young athletes is definitely about process, and If a coach cannot be patient and enjoy the ups and downs and the process of individual and team development, then youth sports is not the place for them. Kids all have different learning styles, different motivational responses and different ability levels. These are all things that can easily "test" a coach's patience. A coach has to be able to take a step back and remember the process is extremely important to meeting the goal of youth athletics. Working with those individual athletes to develop their strengths and help them find their path to contributing to the team can be a slow and daunting process. The best coaches have tremendous patience and a strong desire to see the process through to develop their team. Those coaches find tremendous reward in the milestones their athletes reach and in seeing their team get better over time.

4. You need enthusiasm for a sport and for working with kids. Enthusiasm is a something that all coaches need to help motivate and inspire young kids to reach their potential. Many coaches are enthusiastic about games and about competing, but that enthusiasm becomes an especially effective tool when kids feel their coach is enthusiastic about their performance and involvement. Have you ever been around a teacher that didn’t seem to really like kids? The same thing happens with coaches, so it’s important to find a coach who loves the sport, but who also loves teaching fundamentals and working with children. Their love of the game is enhanced by their young proteges’ understanding and skill development. When you find a coach who is enthusiastic about the game itself and teaching a group of second graders to love it too, that is a great quality!

5. Communication is key. Great youth coaches need to be solid communicators. They have to be able to communicate with athletes during practice and games, and they need to communicate well with parents. Many team issues arise in youth sports because of poor communication, so the coach that understands his/her responsibility to communicate rules and decisions to the athletes and to their parents is a coach you want to keep. People tend to fill in with misinformation and negatives if they aren’t provided adequate information and details. Coaches who keep communication open and keep the messages positive are really excellent for youth sports!

Thanks to the many volunteer coaches who keep our youth sports organizations functioning. It is great to have people in our community who will commit to improving our kids’ abilities and sportsmanship!

**This article also appeared in the Argus Leader on March 10, 2014.

Friday Night Tykes: The Dark Side of Youth Football

Photo: Friday Night Tykes (Esquire Network)

According to the National Council of Youth Sports, over 44 million children participate in organized sports leagues throughout the United States. Why are there so many kids involved in youth sporting activities? Youth sports have a proud tradition of providing opportunities for physical exercise, developing coordination, teaching kids about sportsmanship, social skills, and responsibility, and developing relationships while learning to work within a team structure. Healthy lifestyles and positive life lessons have long been hallmarks of youth sports.

The fast-moving world of social media and culture is producing many negatives, and youth sports are unfortunately seeing some of that "dark side' as well. As these young athletes grow older, they dream about attaining a college scholarship and continuing to play sports at the collegiate level. The challenges that come along with this dream create a tremendous amount of pressure for student athletes. The NCAA reports that of the 7 million boys and girls who play sports in high school, fewer than 200,000 will receive a partial or full college scholarship. With football, only 1 in 1,250 high school football players will play in the NFL, and in all sports, 70 percent of children who play organized sports quit playing before they enter high school. (Parenting.org A Shot at the Big Time is a Long Shot)  Sports have become so competitive that those positive lessons are lost early on, and we are driving kids away from their sport and their dreams at an earlier and earlier age.

As if the resulting damage to young athletes isn't bad enough, highlighting the worst behaviors present in youth sports and arguably "celebrating" it should give us all reason to reflect. If you haven't seen the trailer or any episodes of Esquire Network''s new docuseries, 'Friday Night Tykes,' then brace yourself. The show features 8-9 year old boys playing in an elite football league in San Antonio, Texas. This elite league is about winning and winning only. At all costs. These children are exposed to misguided leadership, profanity, troubling and excessive practice techniques, fighting, illegal hits, verbal and physical abuse, and coaches actually encouraging these young players to hurt their opponents.

Check out the trailer here:

As you watch the series, you find a community that is extremely passionate about youth football and is very supportive for the children. As a viewer, you also witness a community that has become obsessed with all the things that are wrong with competition and has completely forgotten about all the things that are good about youth athletics. Parents and coaches have totally lost their mindset that the children’s long-term development is the most important thing. I was truly embarrassed to watch the show and even more upset that a community would allow something like to happen. As parents, we stress the importance of youth sports and try not get wrapped up in the wins and losses, but Friday Night Tykes has gone way past just getting consumed with scores and records. The show exposes and creates an image for all those watching that this is what youth football can and should be like if you want to win.

 This flawed thinking is extremely troubling to those of us who believe in the power of positive development for kids in sports. These are the major issues that I see with Friday Night Tykes:

1) You aren't there to win, you are there to learn. There is no quicker way to take the fun out of youth sports than to make it all about winning. If kids are enjoying the activity, enjoying their time with peers and coaches, and learning skills and sportsmanship, they are going to stay involved. Learning the game and making meaningful contributions to your team can be a lot of fun, and that should always be the emphasis in youth sports. Kids need to learn to be gracious winners and losers. That is a lesson they will carry with them for life.

Photo: Friday Night Tykes (Esquire Network)

2) Even the toughest kids are still kids. We are not doing these athletes any service by telling them to "toughen up" and hide their emotions. Young athletes have to deal with struggles and emotions, and it is our job to help them face their challenges appropriately. Positive reinforcement from supportive parents and coaches will do more to develop "toughness" and resilience in kids than dismissing the real adversity and feelings these athletes face.

3) Maintain focus, but maintain balance. These coaches have lost sight of any type of balance between family, school and football. The coaches in this show have one priority: Winning. Practice, practice, practice. Destroy your opponent. Punish kids for going on family vacation. Basically, the focus on winning destroys the focus on positive development and the essence of sportsmanship. As coaches our goal is to help create well-rounded individuals that can be successful on and off the field.

4) Coaches and parents need to work together. One very scary aspect is that these coaches think they can do no wrong, and the parents do very little to challenge their abusive tactics. These coaches seem to be able to say and do anything they want no matter how morally wrong, demeaning, or devastating it may be to the kids and parents. As parents, we entrust coaches to help lead our children and be mentors to our kids. If the kids see the coaches handling situations with anger and aggression, they will look to handle situations in the same manner. Coaches and parents need to be on the same page about providing a positive experience and atmosphere for young athletes.

If there is any value to Friday Night Tykes, it is that it very clearly shows us what NOT to do when we work with young athletes. While I'm certain people will watch the show, I hope that its era is short-lived. I can't help but think that the millions of coaches, parents, and athletes who know better than this and do better than this every day will have a greater impact on the sport than the skewed 'reality' of Friday Night Tykes.

Being a Better Sports Parent

 

Sitting at a recent basketball tournament for young kids, I witnessed a parent get removed from the gymnasium for constant verbal attacks at the officials. As parents, we often become so engaged in the event that we forget about our most important job: We are role models, and we are trying to teach our kids about much more than wins and losses.

"Ten Things Parents of Athletes Need to Know" is a blog post by Stefanie Mullen that was passed along to me recently by a friend. She gives us 10 simple but important points to consider as we attend sporting events with our children. I felt it was worthwhile to pass along. Many of the points were relevant for all of us who continue to follow our kids all over the country for sporting events.

I thought she made some great points that are solid reminders for parents, and I expanded on the ones that I think need to be repeated often:

1) Remember that sports need to be fun for kids. When it is not fun, then things need to be evaluated. Kids should not play sports because we want them to!
2) Never talk to a coach about your child's play or performance after a game. Emotions are always high after the game, and it's best to let cooler heads prevail. If it is absolutely necessary to meet, then do it at the appropriate time.
3) Your kids are always watching you! Never yell at the officials. Do not ever make a scene that embarrasses your kids. Don't be so wrapped up in winning that you are losing your mind on the sideline. Your most important job is to model sportsmanship, win or lose.
4) Do not coach your child from the stands. One of the worst things you can do is create an environment where your child is always looking up in the stands for guidance or coaching from you. Be a supporter of your child and your coach. Always.
5) Let your kids fail. Some of the greatest lessons and challenges come from a tough loss. Kids need to learn to be gracious winners and losers. It's an incredibly important lesson that they will carry with them forever.

In her blog post, Mullen also encourages athletes to stay fit and active year-round, but not to focus on one sport. I agree that maintaining physical activity is the most important thing, and making sure it is enjoyable for kids is the best way to keep them active. We also need to remember that our kids are not likely to go on to the pros, but they are likely to take the lessons learned on the field or court into their lives. We need to remember our role and support healthy activity and positive relationships with teammates and coaches.


The thing I love about working with kids and sports is that practices and games provide really valuable teaching moments for them. We need to make sure that the lessons they are learning from us are lessons we can be proud of throughout their athletic careers and lives. The most important thing to remember is that we need to be at our best as parents if we expect to see their best as young athletes!

Teamwork: Putting it All Together

In order to have a winner, the team must have a feeling of unity; every player must put the team first-ahead of personal glory. -Paul “Bear” Bryant

I have learned a great deal from my conversations with people about the lessons they have taken from football. Many of the kids I heard from told me how much they had learned about playing their position and improving their football technique. The adults were more reflective on things, as you would expect, and I appreciate their insights on the lessons of discipline, determination, humility and respect as important parts of sportsmanship and success in football. The final theme that people discussed was teamwork.

Football is the ultimate of team sports. One football play has so many moving parts and its success is solely reliant on the trust of each guy doing their specific job. Most importantly, football is truly a game of discipline and adversity, and success depends on how both of these are handled. If these two components are taught and learned, not only does success come on a field but it provides a foundation to be successful in all facets of life. --Jed S. 

I was fortunate to attend a high school that constantly preached the team first mentality. My coach was able to get the players to realize that we were not good enough to beat teams with individual talent, and our only hope for success was to play as one unit. Early failures and late success helped our team realize that our coach was right.

Those early experiences helped me understand the greatest part of football is the sense of accomplishment as a team. There are so many people who contribute during a season. It is an awesome feeling when people can see how their contributions are only one facet of the complete workings of a team. When athletes understand that their teammates were working as hard if not harder than they were so that everyone would have the opportunity to reach the team goal, a major step in maturing as an athlete and a person occurs. It is an important lesson for kids to learn that they can achieve much more working together than they ever would working alone.

A critical aspect of working as a team is the ability to do whatever is asked to make the team better: 

To be selfless is the most important thing I've learned about football. It doesn't matter what level you are, or what your involvement is with the team, if you are selfless then you are making the team better. To me, being selfless means so many things. It means as a player you want to do everything you can to make the team better. It means that during the off season you train as hard as you can to be the best player you can be. It means that if you aren't a starter you cheer the team on with a good attitude as if you were in the game. People have to understand that we weren't all created with the same abilities so there could be someone more talented than you. And that's fine because I guarantee there is a place on the team where everyone will succeed. --Chad C.

A team’s success requires individuals that are truly willing to be selfless and sacrifice for the greater good. I have been a part of many great teams and with each of them, the first thing you recognize is that every great team plays as one. Every player and coach accepts his role and buys into the team goals and the team strategy for achieving those goals. Setting egos and individual goals aside is not easy, but the satisfaction that comes from the team effort and experience is well worth it.

Parents and coaches can help kids understand that every position on the field matters, and every kid on the field and on the sidelines contributes to the end result. Help them to see that it takes every single player fulfilling his role in order to find success. Great satisfaction comes not from individual performance, but in caring about their teammates enough to set individual needs aside and trust each other to achieve something bigger than they ever could alone.

Kids who understand the value of working together, sacrificing for the greater good, and winning or losing graciously as a team will have learned one of the most valuable lessons of sportsmanship...and some valuable life lessons as well.

Humility and Respect: Balancing the Talk with the Walk

Over the past few weeks, I have been reflecting on what lessons people have taken from their participation in football. Some of the stories have been funny and encouraging, but not all the lessons have been fun or easy to learn. Respect and humility are two themes that are extremely important to sportsmanship, but fall in the category of “tough to teach” and “tougher to learn.”

Respect for teammates, opponents, officials, and the game itself is a value of sportsmanship that needs to be modeled and practiced by everyone involved in a program. Humility is important to individual athletic development, and it is also the key to becoming a gracious winner or loser and a team’s dynamics.

It was a common theme from people on these two topics that some of the most valuable learning occurs in the moments many of us consider our worst:

This season I was reminded that our kids are hard enough on themselves when they make a “mistake” that they don’t need us as parents to remind them of it during or after the game. As parents, we need to remain positive during all aspects of the season. –Amy U. 

Let the coaches coach, players play, refs ref, fans cheer - all ends well. --Carey Z. 

Attitude has a huge impact on the performance of a player and the team as a whole. In practices and games, a team always plays its best when they stay positive. As parents and coaches, we are a huge influence on that positivity. In both success and failure, learning is always best acquired through encouragement. –Erika S.

Respect begins with a positive attitude and supportive atmosphere. Coaches, players, parents and officials all play a role, and they each need to do their best to fulfill those roles and honor the efforts of others. Respect is something that coaches and programs establish and build over time. I believe this is a step-by-step process and you can not overlook the little things that will help you earn respect. Simple but sincere acts like shaking hands with opponents after a game, cheering on teammates from the sidelines, and hearing positive comments from parents for opponents and officials help to teach respect to young athletes. Remind your kids that respect is not exclusive for the team that wins the most, it is given to those who work hard, show character in all situations, and follow through with their beliefs.

While respect is a tough concept to teach, humility is a tough one to learn. Every game has a winner and a loser, and every athlete will make mistakes at some point in time. Learning to handle those moments with grace and humility is a critical aspect of sportsmanship: 

First game of my last year of high school football, I carried the ball once. I fumbled and never got a chance to carry it again. It would be a few years later when it didn't bother me anymore.

The fumble taught me I'm not going to be good at everything, but the things I can do, I want to do well.   --Craig M 

One of the great challenges of sports is learning to set your ego aside and recognize what is the greater goal for the entire team. That is something I struggled with as an adolescent and find even to this day as a competitor is not an easy task. I was fortunate to have some strong mentors that helped me realize that winning was not always the most important thing and how I handled myself winning or losing as I walked off the field demonstrated more about my character than anything else.

My early years at the University of Sioux Falls were difficult to say the least as I bounced around in positions and sat the bench, but they might have been the most important years of my maturation as an athlete, coach and person. As our team struggled, I watched and learned from Coach Young what it meant to be humble and the importance of putting the team’s goals ahead of all things, even when this was trying to learn lessons from a difficult defeat.

Nobody likes to lose, but in the situations where mistakes occur or a team loses, we have an opportunity to demonstrate individual character. Those situations are only “failures” if we don't learn from them and improve. Coaches and parents are important role models in this area, so speaking favorably of opponents and officials is incredibly important. Helping kids keep emotions under control and support their teammates at all times is also extremely important to their individual development and the team’s atmosphere. We need to model respect in every aspect of the game and humility in winning and losing if we expect our kids to do the same.

The themes of discipline, determination, respect and humility form essential aspects of sportsmanship and success. The final theme that people discussed with me was ‘teamwork”…more to come.

Discipline and Determination: Tools to Success

The end of the youth football season is fast approaching, and that is a great time to reflect on the "teachable moments" that have come during the season.  Some of the lessons are about fundamentals and technique, but there are bigger lessons to be learned from our involvement...that's why we love the game.  So I asked a variety of people from all walks of life to tell me the most important lessons they learned from football.  There has been a wide range of answers, but two of the themes that have come up repeatedly involve discipline and determination. Those two qualities are important parts of success and sportsmanship. A program that develops and promotes those qualities will lead to an atmosphere which lets athletes know they worked hard, gave their best effort and can walk away knowing that they "left it all on the field."

 

Some of the comments focused on the importance of mental and physical discipline: 

It's a physical and mental game, be ready for both. –Jean Z. 

You have to be physically tough, but more importantly mentally tough to excel at football. –Keith P.

Others stressed the importance of training and practice to develop discipline: 

Train harder than your opponent. --Cory S. 

Practice until you reach a stage where actions follow automatically. --Kristy P.

It was good to hear recognition of all aspects of discipline and the importance of practice and training to success. Practice is what I love most about coaching. It gives me the opportunity to mold young men into a cohesive unit that will go onto the field with a common goal. Practice is critical to refine the many elements that will make a team successful. Individuals need to know the play, the coach’s expectations, the rules, the audibles, sight adjustments, and their assignments.  Then they have to put that all in motion as a team, and that takes extreme discipline. People think of games as the time to learn about football, but practice is where players develop the discipline to work together and learn the intangibles that translate into success on the field.

Discipline doesn’t come easy for individuals or teams, and other comments recognized the importance of determination to overcoming adversity: 

How people (players, coaches, and fans) react to negative situations. When things go bad, how do you handle yourself to overcome it? Losing control will only help you lose more games. --Shannon P.

Don't ever give up. You never know how much you can do if you give up. --Jadyn S. 

Being able to respond well to negative situations is a critical component of sportsmanship.  Football is extremely challenging, and it is easy to want to quit when things are difficult. But finishing a play, a quarter, a half, and a game after endless hours of practice, or when you didn’t believe you could do it, is one of the most fulfilling feelings an athlete can experience. And once an athlete sees the reward of his determination, he works harder, becomes more disciplined, and ultimately becomes a better athlete.

Discipline and determination were the first two "lessons" that people discussed, and the next two are respect and humility. Stay tuned...

Lessons in Sportsmanship

As the youth football season draws to a close, I am talking to lots of parents about their kids' experiences this season. It is great to hear of their improvements in technique and confidence, and even better when they tell me about things like discipline and teamwork...some of the foundations of sportsmanship.

My views on sportsmanship have greatly evolved over a lifetime of playing and coaching football.  I am highly competitive by nature, so as a kid, I turned everything into a competition, and winning was my main goal.  That included video games, shooting hoops...even spelling tests. Even as I got older, the athlete inside me was very focused on winning or losing, not the greater life lessons I would take from those experiences.  When I was able to become a parent and a fan of this great game, I started seeing and valuing the lessons of sportsmanship in a different way. 

Children have vastly different abilities and mature athletically at different rates.  Keeping them confident and involved is so important as they learn about the game.  Stepping onto the field is a great opportunity, but it needs to be an opportunity to learn about more than just winning or losing.  Kids who are able to walk off the field appreciating the value of competing, working together, sacrificing for the greater good of the team, and winning or losing graciously have learned some valuable life lessons.  I didn’t grasp the importance of those lessons until much later.  As I work more with young athletes, I think it is critical to reinforce the lessons of sportsmanship from the very beginning.

I asked a number of people from all walks of life to tell me about the most valuable lessons they have learned from their involvement in football.  I will be sharing their answers over the next couple of weeks along with my thoughts about how parents and coaches can help instill the values of sportsmanship in young athletes.   I hope you appreciate their answers as much as I did, and I hope you will add your voice to the conversation.